The High Cost of Self-Disqualification
(Originally published August 26, 2025) Most of us underestimate ourselves. We disqualify ourselves before anyone else has the chance. It happens in job interviews, relationships, even in church pews. And far too often, it happens when veterans and their families consider the benefits they’ve already earned.
Just a few days ago, I spoke with the widow of a veteran. Before she told me her story, she told me why she wouldn’t qualify.
She said, “I’m sure it won’t apply to me because…” and started listing reasons.
I finally stopped her and said, “Ma’am, like Geico, a 15-minute conversation with our intake team could get you $1,500 a month for the rest of your life.”
That made her pause. She agreed to call. But it was like pulling teeth—convincing her not to close the door on herself before it even opened.
I wish I could say this was rare. It isn’t.
The Patterns I See Every Day
As someone who works every day with veterans, spouses, and surviving spouses, I’ve noticed a recurring theme. People come to the table ready to explain why they don’t qualify before they’ve even been asked a single question about their situation.
Sometimes it sounds like this:
“My husband didn’t serve long enough.”
“We didn’t see combat.”
“I have too much in savings.”
“I don’t want to take away from someone else who needs it more.”
These statements come from a place of humility, fear, or simply misinformation. But they all lead to the same outcome: self-disqualification.
Why Do We Self-Disqualify?
Veterans and their spouses often talk themselves out of applying because:
The process feels overwhelming.
They’ve been told misinformation by friends, neighbors, or even professionals.
They don’t want to be a burden.
They assume others are more deserving.
TAnd the research backs this up. A 2024 study published in the Journal of Gerontological Social Work found that military widows and widowers frequently experience social isolation, loneliness, and gaps in support services. Many described feeling left on their own to navigate complex systems—exactly the kind of pressure that leads to self-disqualification before the first question is even asked.¹
The Real Cost
When families self-disqualify, they don’t just miss out on financial support—they miss out on peace of mind, dignity, and the relief of knowing they are cared for.
That widow almost walked away from $18,000 a year that could help her live with greater security for the rest of her life. Multiply that by the number of veterans’ families who never apply, and the scale of missed support is staggering.
And it’s not just about money. It’s about stability. A modest monthly benefit can be the difference between:
Staying in a home or moving out.
Paying for medication or cutting corners.
Living independently or moving into a facility before it’s necessary.
When we think about benefits only in terms of dollars, we miss the deeper cost: missed opportunities for dignity and choice.
The Emotional Toll
There is another side to this. The emotional cost of self-disqualification often lingers longer than the financial one.
I’ve heard widows say, “I just don’t want to bother anyone.” That mindset is heartbreaking because it shows how military families often carry quiet burdens alone. Service to our country should never end in silence or neglect.
This is why that fifteen-minute call matters so much. It isn’t just paperwork—it’s a moment of being seen, being heard, and being reminded that their sacrifice still matters.
A Broader Reflection
Self-disqualification isn’t unique to veterans’ benefits. It shows up in many parts of life. We tell ourselves we’re not smart enough for that degree, not experienced enough for that job, not holy enough for that ministry, not lovable enough for that relationship.
The voice of self-disqualification is powerful. It convinces us to walk away from doors that might actually open if we knocked.
For veterans’ families, the stakes are especially high. When that voice wins, it robs them of benefits they have already earned through years of service and sacrifice.
What Can Be Done?
The good news is, self-disqualification can be challenged. Here are a few ways:
Share stories of success. When veterans and families hear about others like them who qualified, it chips away at the doubts.
Provide accurate information. Misinformation is one of the biggest drivers of hesitation. Clear, consistent facts are a gift.
Offer human connection. Sometimes the difference between “I don’t qualify” and “I’ll try” is simply having someone on the other end of the line who listens and cares.
A Call to Action
If you are a veteran, a spouse, or a surviving spouse—please, don’t say “no” to yourself. Take 15 minutes. Ask the questions. Let someone help you.
Because sometimes the only thing standing between you and the benefits you deserve is your own voice telling you “no.”
And if you work in senior care, ministry, or community outreach, remember this: there are people in your circles right now silently disqualifying themselves. They don’t need more reasons to doubt. They need a gentle push to believe.
The widow I spoke with almost walked away from life-changing support. She isn’t the only one.
Don’t let self-disqualification write the story. Let service, sacrifice, and dignity have the final word.
¹ Wilson-Menzfeld, G., McGill, G., Moreland, M., Collins, T., Erfani, G., & Johnson, A. (2024). Military Widows’ Experiences of Social Isolation, Loneliness and Unmet Social Needs. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 29(8), 1047–1067. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325024.2024.2326563